I don't want to get into it too much, but it goes like this, I've been on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication for a few years now, and while I'm thrilled to no longer have a running third person narrative going on in my head, and it's great to no longer feel the urge to do a fatal Virginia Woolf impression every time I happen upon a body of water, I often feel very bottled up emotionally, like I've got the entire contents of the Oxford English Dictionary stuck in my throat a fair bit of the time.
Today some of those words fell out, and I hurt because those words, while true, hurt someone I love.
I'm also dealing big in regrets, and anger. Regretting the things I've done that hurt others, and being filled with a constant low level anger over the things others have done to hurt me.
I'm thinking of joining an ACoA group (Adult Children of Alcoholics) but I'm hesitant because I'm very much uncomfortable with the 12 step focus on a higher power. I'm a rational atheist by trade, and as far as I'm concerned my higher power is me, as well as being myself that must answer for all my actions. I'm not one to let go and let god. I wish they had secular groups like this. Perhaps I should start one, maybe call it "Rational Atheists Raised by Hippies."
It feels good to write again, even if it's only a snippet. I've got to exorcise that damn dictionary from it's position trying to strangle me.
ANYWAY, LOOK! GLITTER!
China Glaze Mrs Claus from the Holiday 2010 collection
Literally, glitter everywhere. I can't seen to master the cleanup for these sort of polishes, the acetone gets the polish up, but leaves the glitter behind. Perhaps my old friend Google can help.
I love this polish, my husband got it from me for the 5 year anniversary of our first date earlier this month. It's a silver glitter in a pinkish red jelly base. These sort of polishes are my favorite type of polish, this, China Glaze Dorothy Who, Ruby Kisses Ruby Slippers. I want MORE dammit.
I'm turning 30 at the end of July. And it seems we are in remarkably similar places in our lives, at least emotionally. I call what you are experiencing emotional constipation.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to talk more in depth, say the word.
At least your nails look awesome.
You're such an amazing friend. Thank the Xanga gods I got to meet you.
ReplyDeleteEmotional constipation is the perfect phrasing. I'll try to keep that in my brain.
Right now I'm trying to wrestle all this shit myself, though as the post says, some of it spilled it. I just want to sort it all out, get my emotional responses organized, and move on. If I do need to talk, you'd probably have been my first choice even if you didn't offer, as you tend to get where I'm coming from.
Thanks for being awesome, sincerely.
Ok, well I'm glad you know I'm here for you. And I totally get wanting to deal on your own. It's somehow more rewarding when you don't have to have help to get back to that good place.
ReplyDeleteAnd seriously, yay Xanga. I made so many friends for life through that damn website.